Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Randomize
