Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
