Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
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Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
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Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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