Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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