It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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