3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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