I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist