When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
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I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
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Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick