i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
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I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
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We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.