I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Randomize
