Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
