He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
