So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
