So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
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