I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
