I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
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