that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
