My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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