so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
