why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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