Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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