Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
