how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Randomize
