its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
