she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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