im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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