mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
