The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
