im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
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