He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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