Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
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