this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
