I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
