How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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