i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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