I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
