im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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