My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
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Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
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Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize