Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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