I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
