omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Randomize
