don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
