I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
