I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
