the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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