you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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