thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I intend to get homeless drunk
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
