I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
