Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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