he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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