if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
