How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize
