Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
