Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
