I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I am spending my child support on dildos
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
