I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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