i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
