So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
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